2020 is the Year of the Snail

Stephanie Weber
6 min readJun 10, 2020

At the beginning of 2020, I had my tarot cards read for the year. It can be hilarious and eerie to connect the dots between the cryptic card’s pictures and the events that unfold in your life. I’ve written about that before and my friends and I love to talk about our psychic experiences. It can also bring clarity or give you a push in the right direction. But really it’s just fun. It’s fun to have someone guess about your life like you’re playing Two Truths and a Lie with playing cards.

I was so excited to see what 2020 would bring for me, as is everyone. No one literally looks ahead toward the blank expanse of the coming year and thinks ‘this will be the year it finally all goes to shit!’ We all LITERALLY say: “This will be our year!” and we mean it as if we’ve never said it about a year before. As if a year is something any of us can tackle or tame or at least expect a birthday gift from.

Regardless, I believed it like I do any other year. Especially since 2019 was a year I shook things up in my life. I turned everything out and upside down like I was writing twists for M. Night Shyamalan (you can pick the movie to fit the reference you desire like a choose-your-own-analogy). It was the year I understood and loved myself more than ever. I opened myself up for change, for love, for peace, for new career opportunities, and artistic adventures. I shook all of it right up, so 2020 had to be the year it all landed. 2020 had to be the year it would all “happen”, right?!

The first card she pulled — a card that would symbolize the entire year — was a snail. 2020, she told me, would be the year of…the snail.

Fuck snails.

No one wants to hear that the animal spirit that embodies the coming 365 days of their life is a sniveling snail. Snails aren’t fun. Snails don’t party. No one wants to die and come back as a snail trailing slime behind as you slowly make your way across the pavement. People don’t dress up as sexy snails for Halloween. No one says “for a good time, call a snail”. Snails are slow and ugly. Snails are covered in goop AND a shell. Like, bitch, pick one. You’re already a snail. Isn’t that bad enough?

And yet for the next year, I would be the snail. It was iN tHe CaRdZ$z!!!

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Stephanie Weber

Stephanie is a writer and comedian whose work has been featured on Reductress, Slate, The Weekly Humorist, The AV Club, Mental Floss, Atlas Obscura and more.