THE Thanksgiving film you all know and love. Amateurs.

I’ve always thought it was weird that there aren’t that many Thanksgiving movies. It’s one of the few ubiquitous American holidays — every American celebrates it no matter what race, religion, gender, sexuality, occupation or star sign they are. So then why don’t we have the same wealth of Thanksgiving media that we do for a religious holiday like Christmas?

Yes, Thanksgiving whitewashes the very real and horrendous Native American genocide that European settlers brought with them to America and we do not do much (or anything, really) as a culture to reckon with that. We barely learned about the…

is one of the greatest reality shows of all time, next to , , and that one season of called in which they brought back random people from the housemates’ past (almost all of them were exes except for one girl whose petty frenemies came and told her to be more “namaste”). It’s no surprise that is definitively the best as it essentially reinvented reality TV and paved the way for much more audacious shows like , and, of course, . It even sounds…

I am obsessed with the story of John Polidori. I’ve been working on a play for a few years about this story called (contact me to produce when theater is alive again). I write about it briefly in my upcoming book (details to come). I’ve talked about it drunk at bars because I had great conversation skills even in The Before Times and usually one person would say, “this story is crazy! Why isn’t there a movie about it?”

There isn’t a movie about John Polidori’s life because it gets overshadowed by the other, bigger story that was…

I went to high school in the 2000s which is a precarious time for films. Movies targeted at teens either featured skinny beautiful girls in low-rise jeans having adversarial relationships with each other to win over a man or gain popularity OR the movies made were indie flicks that featured a sullen guy trying to find himself who meets his quirky love interest, the manic pixie dream girl. In the early 2000s, she seemingly fluttered into our lives out of nowhere, as she often does in these films, with her colorful, choppy haircut and mix-matched clothes. She came to us…

At the beginning of 2020, I had my tarot cards read for the year. It can be hilarious and eerie to connect the dots between the cryptic card’s pictures and the events that unfold in your life. I’ve written about that before and my friends and I love to talk about our psychic experiences. It can also bring clarity or give you a push in the right direction. But really it’s just fun. It’s fun to have someone guess about your life like you’re playing Two Truths and a Lie with playing cards.

I was so excited to see what…

Summer 2019 would become characterized by a rogue alligator found in Chicago’s Humboldt Park lagoon in early July. When the gator was discovered, the city erupted with joyous enthusiasm over the creature who did not belong on this side of the Mason Dixon. It didn’t belong, but we welcomed it with our big, jibarito-fed hearts. We welcomed it because we the people of Chicago needed it.

needed it.

Summer 2019 wasn’t easy. And if it was easy for you, go fuck yourself. This piece is not for you. This piece is for the rest of us who were wrecked…

Chicago is a hard city to love. The windy city with subzero temperatures that rise and fall nearly 100 degrees in a few days causing whiplash to our skin and sanity. The city that barely shuts down or blinks an eye at feet of snow or sudden scorching temps with dense humidity. The city that loses people to greener pastures so often that makes it hard to get close to anyone for fear that they’ll leave.

But it’s also Chicago! Chicago! City of Broad Shoulders and baseball and blues and hot dogs and comedy and brutal winters. It’s a…

Exploring my family’s refugee roots

My mom says the blue building looks like the one she grew up in. This was close to El Capitolo. All photos courtesy of author.

I thought I would cry when I landed at Jose Marti airport. The scent of cigar smoke reminded me of every old Cuban home I’d ever visited. See, I never thought I’d actually go to Cuba. My mom emigrated in 1969 as part of a sponsorship program that allowed Cuban families to legally seek refuge in America. Almost everyone had the intention of going back someday. But that day never came, so we all became Cuban Americans.

I’d bought the tickets in a flash deal from JetBlue. The weekend I left was the same weekend Americans protested the travel ban…

Don’t TOUCH them until you know their sensation, intuition, feeling, and thinking levels!!



Okay yasssss to this quiet, friendly, responsible, and conscientious motherfucker. This person is going to be so attuned to your needs in bed, but they probably won’t want to talk or cuddle much after. If you’re okay with that then big time yes to this lay. This is the kind of person to have a coital meet-cute with in early fall, so that you can have an ISFJ all cuffing season!


Honest, to the point, and assumes leadership roles — this daddy is gonna dominate you in bed! An ENTJ is most likely to tell you what to do, so…

I do declare!

Look at the length and girth of these feathers!

As a woman of immense inherited wealth and all the time in the world to sigh longingly on my fainting couch, I’ve lately passed the hours by reminiscing on my many dalliances.

For you see, I did indeed invent the first time machine, but as I am a Victorian lady of much leisure, I use this technology to travel through time and space in search of passion and uglies to bump. That’s all!

From dandies to ruffians, I’ve dipped my lady juices into the mouths of many men. Shall I recount them for you, dear reader? Yes, I shall.


Stephanie Weber

Stephanie is a writer and comedian whose work has been featured on Reductress, Slate, The Weekly Humorist, The AV Club, Mental Floss, Atlas Obscura and more.

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